Hubbard not Jesus. And vice versa.

Today the Supreme Court unanimously decided that notorious past-life squatter The Estate of L. Ron Hubbard was not the Son of God. This would seemingly exhaust The Estate’s legal recourses in this matter. Not so, says The Estate’s chief legal eagle, who seems to have no idea how the legal system worked.

“In the court’s page and a half opinion they not only erroneously decided that our glorious founder was not Jesus, but also that Jesus was not L. Ron Hubbard. This second finding was a step too far.”

When approached for comment on this matter Chief Justice Akbar stated, “We got wind that they might next try that Jesus was Mr. Hubbard, so we decided to nip that in the bud. This ruling is intended to stop just that kind of nonsense. The ‘past’ in ‘past-life’ definitely means past, and not the future. We’ve no intention of screwing up the time-stream with unclear rulings on who was who and when.”

The court was also “less than convinced” by the evidence for L. Ron Hubbard’s claim to divine origin. The Estate produced only that L. Ron revealed to them that he was Jesus, and that there were once some plates on which he’d written down ‘stuff only Jesus could know’. The Estate contended that revelation was as equally reliable as observable evidence, but the court’s decision on this was that it is “not in the business of let’s pretend”. On the second evidence, the plates on which Mr. Hubbard allegedly wrote down the details of his past-life as Jesus, when asked to produce them The Estate said that they had miraculously vanished, and offered that the miracle of their vanishing must in itself prove Mr. Hubbard’s claim. On this point the court simply wrote, “Hmmmmm…”

The Estate still has before the courts the case that L. Ron Hubbard was Marie Curie. “We don’t see this ruling having any impact on this case as she was definitely dead before L. Ron was even born. We think.” When asked what avenues will be explored based on this decision a spokesperson for The Estate replied that they were exploring the exciting new field of what they termed ‘contemporaneous-lives’.

“L. Ron was a man too big for just one life, so when you come to think of it he was probably living several lives at the same time. We’re going to find those lives and get the court to award us legal ownership of them.” Are there any possible candidates already being investigated? “Renowned entertainer and scatophage Divine is number one on our list. L. Ron stopped both world wars, so we know there’s nothing he couldn’t have done.”

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