Jesus to suit up for Avengers 2

In 2015 it’s going to be the Age of Ultron versus the Age of Iron.

The recent Supreme Court decision that L. Ron Hubbard was in fact not Jesus is already having an impact on the entertainment world. A spokesperson from the House of Mouse today confirmed that Jesus would be appearing in the forthcoming superhero epic Avengers 2.

“We have for some time been eyeing Jesus as a property we’d like to incorporate into the team, but have been cock-blocked by The Estate of L. Ron Hubbard’s legal actions. Jesus has everything we want in the Avengers – superpowers, family values and cache with a wide demographic. We’re happy that he’s finally available in the public domain.”

When asked what powers Jesus would have we were told that that is still under discussion.

“Our best committee of writers and their producer overseers have combed Jesus’ back issues to get to grips with the character. We want this interpretation of Jesus to have authenticity. That said, he needs a little punching up before he can be an Avenger. While he has displayed some physical prowess in turning over tables and attacking moneylenders, he couldn’t be described as ‘above Olympic level’ in either gymnastics or martial arts. Instead we’ll be focusing on his supernatural abilities.”

Like what?

“Jesus has some great abilities like creating bread and wine for comrades to kick back with; there’s a potential crossover story with Tony Stark there. And let’s not forget his ability to bring back the dead. That’ll be useful in retconning. Let’s say we kill a character off because it was the right thing for the story, but a tsunami of nerd-rage ensues. No problem, as Jesus can bring the character back in the PTS of the next film. It’s a cake and eat it win-win for us all. We keep our artistic credibility, and the nerds keep their beloved character.”

So Jesus is going to be a second-string character in a supporting role?

“Hey, let’s not typecast Jesus so quickly. He’s the son of a god, y’know. Because he’s a supernatural-based character there’s the possibility to develop him in many different ways. He could go more Hercules, more Ghost Rider or more Dr. Strange, we just don’t know yet. But one thing is for certain, whatever final powers are decided upon, you’ll definitely see them in mind-blowing CG action on the screen. We learned our lesson with the Mandarin in Iron Man Three. If you tease the supernatural in the preview, then you better not pull the rug out from under your fan-base in the final product. Jesus will definitely be getting some post-production processor time devoted to him, and that’s a promise.”

Are there any other changes being mooted for the character?

“Yes. We definitely want to make him black. We’re in some serious need of color in the team. If we change Jesus into a black man he’s going to touch a much wider demographic. Really, It’s a shame he’s never displayed the power to change his sex, because a black female Avenger would plug so many holes for Marketing. Frankly, and I’m stepping beyond the bounds of my NDA in saying this, few people are convinced that Scarlett Johansson is really Russian. We desperately need an authentic ethnic character in the team. Apart from Hulk, and the huge and green demographic is essentially non-existent, it’s just wall-to-wall whitebread.”

What about Nick Fury? He’s played by an actor of color.

“Oh, that’s right. Even so, Nick Fury being black has not been without its problems. For many the character IS white. These fans understand we’ve brought the Ultimate interpretation of Nick Fury to the team, but even so this causes cross-over problems that creates a dissonance that stops these fans watching the film a fourth or fifth time in the cinema. Some have even not bought the first edition DVD and Blu-ray, instead saying that their comfortable to wait for the expected double-dip Director’s Cut that will come out within the year.”

“And it also doesn’t help that David Hasselhoff, a white actor, already nailed the definitive interpretation of Nick Fury. You wouldn’t believe the amount of mail we still get asking us to retcon Mr. Hasselhoff into the role. In a way it’s great that fans have such a strong connection to the character. And in another way it’d be nice if they just let it go. Does it really matter if the Nick Fury collectible figurine has a white face or a black one?”

Jesus is known for more than his superpowers. He also had a philosophical side. Will that be making it to the screen?

“Doubtful. There was one idea to juxtapose… I think that’s the word… Ultron, who as an evil robot has no soul, with Jesus who saved the souls of all humanity. They were going to shoot the breeze about the nature of evil, get to the root of it so to speak. Does Ultron’s lack of a soul cause him to be evil? As a robot does he have freewill, or is he just an adamantium-puppet? These are intriguing questions. But then we remembered that we’re Marvel and not DC, so those ideas were rejected in favour of Jesus just yelling ‘Now feel the wrath of a god you soulless automaton!!!’ at Ultron. That’s the Jesus the Marvellous Marvelites want to see.”

Amen, I mean Excelsior! to that.

7 thoughts on “Jesus to suit up for Avengers 2

  1. Chris Fellows (@cfellows65536)

    You spelled ‘colour’ like the half-witted rebel colonists do. Otherwise it scintillates.

    I would really like to see competing Marvel and DC takes on this franchise. Maybe if Marvel got the rights to the Synoptic Gospels and St John went to DC?

    Reply
      1. Marco

        I’ve never read about that immortal truth? I find comments can go either way, depending on the topic. Sometimes they are more interesting and insightful than the articles.

        Reply
      2. Nathanael Small

        Amen to Chris when it’s anyone pointing out the worst aspects of their own tribe.
        Amen to Marco when everyone speaks the truth as they understand it with grace and humility

        Reply

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