JeySee 4 DeeSee?

The B.Aff

The Cav

The Cranston

It’s tagline says it all. Or does it? Are we to see a fourth character join the cast of Batman vs. Superman? With both Marvel and Fox courting the son of god for their respective franchises we asked Executive Producer # 23 on the film if DC is also looking to get in on the Acts…

“Are we incorporating Jesus into Bats vs. Supes? Bee.Tee.Dub-uh-yuu, that’s what we’re calling it round the water cooler – Bats vs. Supes – and you can quote me on that ’cause we’re gonna make this one more accessible, down if you will, for the kidz. Is ‘down’ the vernacular they’re using these days? It’s so hard to keep up. Anyway, Bats vs. Supes won’t be dark and po-faced like those Nolan films. He asked “Why so serious?” and our answer is “Not, dude.” Is ‘Not’ or ‘Dude’ too last century, or ‘last See’ as we say in the biz? I don’t want the kidz to think we’re fuddyduddies.”

I doubt the couple of readers of this blog will consider you so. How is, uhmm, Bats vs. Supes going?

“You’ve no idea the problems there are with having a successful Batman franchise fresh in the public consciousness. People kept going on about Bale and 50 million dollars to reprise the role. As if! After the Bourne series propelled the B.Affster’s BeeEfEf MATT DAMON!!! to international stardom he’s been desperate for a franchise of his own. Argo is fine as awards bait, but there’s no sequel potential in it. That wouldn’t be so bad if it was as successful as Titanic, which was another sequel-killer, but it wasn’t. All the B.Affster was left with was a Best Picture Oscar. We got him for a fraction of what Bale would’ve cost.”

“The downside is now we’ve got this headache of how to introduce this new Batman. Everyone thinks Batman retired with Catgirl to a Belgian cafe, so first we have to distance our new Batman from the Nolan franchise. To do this we intend to lighten Batman up, have him crack a smile, tell a joke even. Out is that weird creepy voice that Bale put on. Who wants that? No one. So while it’s true that Nolan crafted three great Batman movies and gave wonderful input on EmohEs, Supes vs. Bats has to jag to distinguish itself from his bat shadow.”

Aren’t the names the other way around? First you called it Bats vs. Supes, but just now you called it Supes vs. Bats.

“It all depends on whose tweets are getting the most Likes. When we started this interview way back whenever the B.Affster was tracking hottest, but the Cav-man just pulled out in front. We’ll be printing posters with both titles anyway so it won’t matter. Where were we?”

Supes vs. Bats or Bats vs. Supes is going to go in a different direction to the previous Batman films.

“That’s right. Goyer was given the brief to write Bats vs. Supes as a mashup of Kingdom Come and that classic De Niro / Grodin action romp Midnight Run. I love that film, so many chuckles. Best of all it’s pre-1990s, which means no one we’re marketing Supes vs. Bats to will have even seen it, so it won’t matter if we plagiarise it wholesale. Supes is gonna steal some money from a giant spider and Bats has to bring him back to El.Ey. before the bail defaults. Along the way they’re gonna bond. Finally they team up to fight the giant spider. If that doesn’t scream World’s Finest I don’t know what does.”

There doesn’t seem to be much of Kingdom Come in that plot. Are you familiar with the series?

“While I’ve never had the chance to watch any or all of Kingdom Come myself…”

It’s not a TV series, it’s a comic book series.

“I’m sure you’re mistaken about that. Kingdom Come tracked very well in our pre-pre-preproduction focus groups, and since I doubt many teenagers still read it’s unlikely to be a funny book. Regardless of that, whatever it is, it’s definitely been incorporated.”

Speaking about Kingdom Come returns us to the question that got this interview going. Is the son of god, who is definitely appearing in both Marvel’s and Fox’s upcoming films, also being courted by DC?

“Do you mean DeeSee?”

Yes, sorry.

“That’s OK. It’s just that we’re sticklers for a consistent brand image. We wouldn’t want to add to the confusion about who is what. Now, to your question. While I’m not sure of the connection you speak of between Jesus and this supposed TV or funny book series, I am going to be straight with you on this question of him appearing in our new franchise – maybe he will, but probably he won’t. For DeeSee the question is ‘What does Jesus bring to Supes vs. Bats that we don’t already have? The answer that we came up with is ‘Not much’. Everyone knows that Superman IS Jesus. The Crowemeister made that painfully obvious in EmohEs. So unless the real Jesus is from Bizarro World and can punch holes in a battleship we don’t need a second Jesus. That’d be Jesus overload. This movie already has the two greatest superheroes of all time, and Jesus just isn’t in their league. Come 2017 I can’t see him being in ours.”

3 thoughts on “JeySee 4 DeeSee?

    1. winstoninabox Post author

      Thanks, but it’s not easy to write. The idea for this one came before going to Australia, so it’s taken several weeks to come about. I’m not super happy with it, but can’t spend anymore time fluffing about on fluff. People who write this shit for a living, like those at the Onion, are not just funny but productive, too.

      Reply

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